The wild side of my life

There are things in life you dread and pray that they should not happen to you, but ultimately they do happen to you. One thing I always dreaded was that I will have to go on a jungle safari one day. The only reason I hate jungle safaris is because the animals stink a lot and their antics do not excite me at all. Even zoos are a complete no no for me. The way these animals eat when fed by their keepers, the stink always there and the kind of noises they make – unbearable.

But then Man proposes, God disposes! I proposed that I will not be a wildlife activist ever, neither will I work for Animal Planet. However God had other things in store for me. The Almighty has His own peculiar ways of justice which is why although I’m not a wildlife activist or working in Animal Planet, I’m being instead made to work in a wild, wild office.

Inside the office, one feels that most of the people (no gender bias here) are carrying day-old food under their arms and have also smeared their bodies with yesterday’s left-over and decayed food to keep themselves cool as done by elephants, hippos and buffaloes.

Probably coming from the town of Bedrock as depicted in The Flintstones, most of these animals have never heard of deodorants and are probably unaware that it costs jut Rs 20 to get one.

Now it’s 1.30 and it’s feeding time – except for the chomping, petty quarrels and growls over a piece of roti, loud burps that letting out droplets of saliva and spraying on passing victims – you will not hear or see anything else. These animals show the instincts that can give any wildlife enthusiast the fright of a lifetime.

By 3.30, these animals after such a heavy lunch are ready to take a nap. How do I know? The loud yawns suffixed with something like the growl of the lion give the message loud and clear that if the hunters (read the prowling bosses) were not nearby we would have been fast asleep. Unable to take the forty winks, the uncomfortable animal now open his shoes letting out a gush of caustic fumes that has the potential to make a person faint. And as this animal is oblivious to the pollution he is causing, others silently suffer unable to tell him to put on his shoes and save them from the stink and the sight of tattered socks.

The scene now transfers to the washroom. It seems like a make-shift hospital from World War-II. Footmarks all on the tiles, the wounded animals gurgle, blow their noses and force coughs to remove the last remains of phlegm – all loudly, very loudly.

But my jungle story doesn’t end here. The Delhi monsoons have left a trail of destruction and here in my office the destruction shows with many wearing dark sunglasses, concealing their red eyes and spreading the virus of eye flu around – how wild can one get!

A R Rahman’s Commonwealth Games Anthem – my goodness!

After ‘Maa Tujhe Salaam‘ and ‘Jai Ho‘, all had expected something better from A R Rahman. His Rs 5 crore track which took him six months to compose has not been well taken by his fans who feel disappointed and let down. I think we should save ourselves from more embarrassment by not comparing the song with that of Shakira’s ‘Waka Waka.’

If you thought the music is horrendous, wait till you get the hang of the lyrics – they are absurd and ridiculous. With all due respect to Mr A R Rahman, he has done a crap of a job with this anthem, which should be recomposed.

If you thought AR Rahman’s Commonwealth Games’ Anthem is enough to give you sleepless nights, wait! The Delhi Anthem for the Commonwealth Games titled ‘Dilli Meri Jaan‘ by Dr Palas Sen will surely put you to sleep. The song is such a drag and gives you a feeling that our doctor sahib is still stuck in his early Euphoria days.

There are even fictitious reports that like Himesh Reshammiya’s chart buster song, ‘Jhalak Dikhlaja‘ had attracted ghosts in a small village in Gujarat, AR Rahman’s ‘Jiyo Utho Bado Jeeto‘ is believed to have brought all the dead music composers to life, weeping uncontrollably. So the floods in Delhi! People near Suresh Kalmadi’s house in fact heard Pancham da crying and pleading not to play the song. It was only after the Games Committee members swung into action and played Palas Sen’s ‘Dilli Meri Jaan‘ that he fell asleep instantly as if hit by a sedative dart.

Really after all the mess created by the organising committee aka Suresh Kalmadi, both AR Rahman and Dr Palas Sen have ensured that they drive the last nail in the coffin…good going. At least they are living it up to the expectations of the vulturous media waiting to pounce on any given opportunity.

So what will it be? Will these songs be recomposed or will be played repeatedly across all FM stations that people get used to them? Or will be another Rs 5 crore for recomposing it? Well, you never know…Yeh Dilli Hay Meri Jaan.